Beautifully Broken…(An Apologee to All)

I wish I had a clever opening line; something inspiring, something intellectual perhaps even insightful. I wish I could turn a phrase in a wordsmithing anecdotal fashion with an awe struck enthusiasm flipping the lights switches of the mind. I got nothing…but I’m not sure I want to.
I am one to hide behind my words. Building a facade of intellect fooling myself and every one else of what I truly am behind a safety of vocabulary. I bought it. With the best intentions possible I’ve lead myself to believe in a graven image that looks a lot like me. I read a statement once that said God made us in his image and we returned the favor. That’s me…
I’ve recently had a humbling experience. Its funny how sometimes things are clearer at the bottom. It’s strange that we learn far more from a place of brokenness than in any other state. I think that’s way biblically speaking such emphasis is placed on humility and why life seems to have it’s ways of making sure we don’t stay on our pedestal for too long. There’s always something more to learn and the view from the top isn’t always the best perspective.
I was put in a situation that shouldn’t have surprised me but it did. Not the first in the long line of unfairness I should have seen it coming, looking back maybe I did and that perhaps was part of the problem. After all one of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So why was I so shocked when a scenario all too familiar played out just like always, what made it so different this time that I reacted so badly and with such rage and anger and even doubt…in one moment all I thought I had attained was dashed to pieces. I showed my true colors. When the rubber met the road I wasn’t who I said I was. There’s a big difference between words and deeds.
I’ve been making serious and calculated strides to change my bad attitudes. I’m a grudge holder. I’m a resentful bitter person that just can’t seem to learn how to forgive and forget with anyone especially myself that’s probably why I’m writing this now, but I really thought I was getting somewhere. I was changing my perspectives, changing my thinking. Ingesting a continuous stream of positive information and constantly seeking to “let go and let God” as Wayne Dyer would say I couldn’t see through my own bullshit. It’s easy to forget that just because you want to change doesn’t mean that the rest of the world will. My mom in all her wisdom has never neglected to tell me that no matter where you go or what you do people are going to be people. Tom waits said it best when he said “One thing you can say about mankind is there’s nothing kind about man.” To this lesson there are no better examples then my mother and father. I’ve witnessed them pour themselves entirely with out holding back into all their endeavors. I’ve watched as they have worked endlessly for what they have believed to be right with reckless abandon based only on their love of God and their love of people. I’ve also had to watch as time after time after time people that professed their love for my parents, people that have pledged their allegiance to them have turned their backs on them, hit bellow the belt, and cut them deeper than any blade could ever and walk away without remorse. Were they hurt? Yes. They shed their tears mourned their losses and shook the dust from their feet moving forward in what they know they were called to do. I’ve stood back for years in disbelief holding tightly to a hatred they cast off. I have been a poor pupil and I pray for their forgiveness.
We are often fooled into thinking love is reciprocal. It isn’t. After all unrequited love was “wounded for our transgressions” and “beaten for our iniquities” (Isaiah 53:5). Dexter Alexander said “Love is easy when you’re loved. Do you curse another when you’re alone?” In Matthew 5:46 Jesus said “For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye you?” A few verses before in Matthew 5:44 he said “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you.”
I’ve found much comfort in my ability to quote the right scriptures and say the right things. I’ve found solace in my words. It’s so easy to say “turn the other cheek” it’s a hell of a lot harder to actually do it. In this I am the chief of sinners. I broke this week. I saw the ugliness of my heart. I’ve seen the wretchedness of my soul. I’ve learned much in my brokenness and I seek healing and restoration for my soul and for my heart but I long for my brokenness to remain unmended…
“If I have prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” ( I Corinthians 13:2)


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